Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.