Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
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Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael