If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
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[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
the icebreaker
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy