What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
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Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶