As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Kate on Facebook can’t believe the ordacity of some people.
I can’t believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can’t spell.
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It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Just bought animal crackers and a kayak.
I hate you Costco.
The men of twitter would get such a better rate of response if they sent unsolicited Pizza Pics.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet
the restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang, it just means I can’t be within 50′. We could still play catch or frisbee or something…