I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
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Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
also my go-to takeaway order
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
We all have our pet causes.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil