Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
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“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.