KATY PERRY: đ¶ baby youâre a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRYâS DOG: I hate this song
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Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. đ
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
âȘit’s just a bruuuise âȘ
Donât mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, howeverâŠ
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Canât talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that sheâd become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote âYou were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now sheâs a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!â & now I know why people avoid FB.
Amazon review of the Solar System
âââââ
“Only one star”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
â ž : yoink
me stop that
If I were the NY Times Iâd make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.