@FattMernandez

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

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@sofarrsogud

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

@BunAndLeggings

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

@d_duhwit

Me: I treat my body like a temple.

*leaves body in the Mexican jungle for 500 years*

@LittleMissAngr1

Them: why are you wearing a cape?

Me: i feel naked without it

Them: you are naked

Me: no, i’m wearing my cape

@amydillon

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Ian: “err… 13…”

Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”

@shkeeber

Nana
Nana
Nana
Nana
Nana
Nana
Nana
Nana
BATMAN!
Nana
Nana
Nana
Nana
Nana
Nana
Nana
Nana
BATMAN!

-Me, sorting through my grandma’s mail.

@TheHyyyype

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!