Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@oigoabuya

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

@JermHimselfish

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

@vineyille

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

@MatCro

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

@liveluvlaugh65

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

@OhioMomoftwo

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

@funnyordie

Don’t trust anybody who owns a working printer.

@BuckyIsotope

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

@meganamram

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!