How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Don’t trust anybody who owns a working printer.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!