Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
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I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
eggs benadryl
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]