kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
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I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe