Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
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We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Bike is short for Bichael.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone