‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
You Might Also Like
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.