If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.
keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years
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[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I don’t get it when I see skinny people running….. aren’t you done???
Eating a solid brick of Ramen is probably the easiest way to remember I need to pay the water bill.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.