keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years

You Might Also Like


If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.


[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.


Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.


“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone


I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.


I don’t get it when I see skinny people running….. aren’t you done???


Eating a solid brick of Ramen is probably the easiest way to remember I need to pay the water bill.


Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.