keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years

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A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit


her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why


My 3 yr old’s idea of comedic timing is waiting till we’re at least 10 minutes away from house to tell me he’s not wearing any shoes.


My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away


*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*


My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.


They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.


Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.


“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev