Keanu Reeves: *in an Uber* there is a bomb in this car and you have to keep the speed above 55 mph.

Prius driver: oh no

You Might Also Like


him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that


GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself

ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die


I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.


I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.


Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.


” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.


[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.