Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Keanu Reeves: *in an Uber* there is a bomb in this car and you have to keep the speed above 55 mph.
Prius driver: oh no
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him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself
ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: I’ve totally got this.
Narrator: Oh this ought to be good.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.
Said no one ever.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee.