I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
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Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Had to try this trend 😊
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet