@sweetmomissa

Keanu Reeves: *in an Uber* there is a bomb in this car and you have to keep the speed above 55 mph.

Prius driver: oh no

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@itcorru

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

@Home_Halfway

GRANDPA: I built 3 of my own houses by myself

ME: I held in a yawn last night and it made my chest hurt and I was worried I was gonna die

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

@LuvPug

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

@brennadine

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

@Marcmywords2

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

@Playing_Dad

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.