@Jeffwni

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

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@ArielSElias

AGENT: You’ll play a character who weighs exactly what you weigh now.

CHRISTIAN BALE: Not interested.

@RobotThomas

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

@HatfieldAnne

If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.

@ClichedOut

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

@GrantTanaka

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

@bombchelle87

How am I supposed to drink responsibly when responsibility is the whole damn reason I drink?

@dlockw21

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

@ThisOneSayz

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

@elle91

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT