Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

Any refunds available?…

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.