@weinerdog4life

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

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@djdarrellripley

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

@shamans_heal

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

@Cidisn

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

@colegamble

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

@copymama

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

@chudneyspears

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

@JustBeingEmma

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

@HeidiCF8

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.

@bingowings14

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.