@weinerdog4life

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

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@jonnysun

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

@isabelzawtun

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

@YeahDrewisOn

Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo

Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?

Me: I have kids?

@TheAlexNevil

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

@EZSherlock

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

@Parentpains

My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.

@mstluvstrinkets

Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?