Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
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The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Beyonce should have her own trampoline company.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.