Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
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I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.