Keep calm and text a random number…”I’m pregnant”

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*takes your compliment*

*stares nervously at it*


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kzam92″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3330737389/c7a4a78607de111ed90aad11a160d780_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”280225987420106753″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:61:”All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


[Running into a friend]

FRIEND: Hey it’s good to see you! We should get together soon!

ME: Totally!

FRIEND: How about Friday?

ME: Yeah let’s do it soon

FRIEND: Right, like Friday?

ME: Take care!

FRIEND: So, Friday?

ME: *grabs their collar* Stop trying to make this happen


[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine


Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.


Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.


Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs


*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early


Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”