@KeepCaIm

Keep calm and text a random number…”I’m pregnant”

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@greg_vee

*takes your compliment*

*stares nervously at it*

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kzam92″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3330737389/c7a4a78607de111ed90aad11a160d780_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”280225987420106753″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:61:”All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Home_Halfway

[Running into a friend]

FRIEND: Hey it’s good to see you! We should get together soon!

ME: Totally!

FRIEND: How about Friday?

ME: Yeah let’s do it soon

FRIEND: Right, like Friday?

ME: Take care!

FRIEND: So, Friday?

ME: *grabs their collar* Stop trying to make this happen

@BraandoCommando

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

@ThugRaccoons

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

@heatherlou_

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

@iLikeCatShirts

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

@TheAlexNevil

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

@daniel_shaw

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”