@KeepCaIm
@greg_vee
*takes your compliment*
*stares nervously at it*
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@greg_vee
@goingonajournie
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kzam92″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3330737389/c7a4a78607de111ed90aad11a160d780_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”280225987420106753″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:61:”All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
@Home_Halfway
[Running into a friend]
FRIEND: Hey it’s good to see you! We should get together soon!
ME: Totally!
FRIEND: How about Friday?
ME: Yeah let’s do it soon
FRIEND: Right, like Friday?
ME: Take care!
FRIEND: So, Friday?
ME: *grabs their collar* Stop trying to make this happen
@BraandoCommando
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
@ThugRaccoons
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
@heatherlou_
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
@iLikeCatShirts
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
@TheAlexNevil
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
@daniel_shaw
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”