“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
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*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day