@ozzyunc

Keep circulating the petition! We demand Mambo No. 6!

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@TheAndrewNadeau

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

@david8hughes

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

@TweetPotato314

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

@UncleDuke1969

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

@BookishBunny

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

@reallifemommy3

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

@anagramps

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

@Brampersandon_

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

@sonictyrant

chef: did you dress the salads?

me: [adds tiny bow ties and cufflinks]

chef: omg

me: i’m sor–

chef: THEY’RE SO CUTE

@SuchaDumbWorld

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.