ME:Can I wish for more?
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
G:That sounds right
Keep circulating the petition! We demand Mambo No. 6!
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
chef: did you dress the salads?
me: [adds tiny bow ties and cufflinks]
me: i’m sor–
chef: THEY’RE SO CUTE
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.