DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
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[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Succinctly put.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie