Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

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*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*


[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”


Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.


I shut down my computer in the middle of an iTunes update and I think Siri just sent a Terminator back in time to kill teenage me.


me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky


[first day as a paramedic]

me: omg sir were u stabbed

bullfighter: no i was fighting a bull

me: [gasps] who gave the bull a knife


Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others


I’m going as “Twitter Elite” for Halloween. I’m going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me.


That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.