@howe007

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

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@ArfMeasures

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

@matt___nelson

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

@Elizasoul80

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

@man_spach

I shut down my computer in the middle of an iTunes update and I think Siri just sent a Terminator back in time to kill teenage me.

@mbichaela

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

@leakypod

[first day as a paramedic]

me: omg sir were u stabbed

bullfighter: no i was fighting a bull

me: [gasps] who gave the bull a knife

@timk927

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

@SteelFontana

I’m going as “Twitter Elite” for Halloween. I’m going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me.

@LogicLaughs

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.