Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
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It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔