@LemmingDad

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

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@weinerdog4life

I like to push the “stop time” button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.

@kellysdf

Christmas cards are how old people say, “Hey, you thought I was dead, but I’m not!”

@Ygrene

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

@RealCarrotFacts

You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won’t know what you are doing because he’s a carrot

@justabloodygame

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
?????

@Quartzjixler

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

@itsa_talia

why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you’re a stupid old man

@realHamOnWry

Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.