Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
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*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.