I like to push the “stop time” button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
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Christmas cards are how old people say, “Hey, you thought I was dead, but I’m not!”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Brain: not like last time
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won’t know what you are doing because he’s a carrot
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you’re a stupid old man
Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.