Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
You Might Also Like
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.