“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
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[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
why no one uses midhusbands
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Omg 🤣
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
This is me 🤣🤣
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”