Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I am yelling
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails