[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
❤️❤️❤️
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period