CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
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Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Beware of the dog..
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”