Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!