Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
we’re dead?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds