@HatfieldAnne

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

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@stephanieck72

I am the kind of person who will restart a song because I got distracted and wasn’t appreciating it enough

@TheAlexNevil

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

@RedIsDead

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

@WritePlay

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

@Home_Halfway

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

@BMcCarthy32

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

@Marl_TheBean

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

@justaride

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

@nicfit75

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.