“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

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I am the kind of person who will restart a song because I got distracted and wasn’t appreciating it enough


Magician: For my next trick—


Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*


My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana


The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.


There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.


I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working


I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective


Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.