@ElgatoEsmio

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

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@david8hughes

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

@BestScienceJoke

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

@retardedwriter

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

@SortaBad

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

@SortaBad

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

@JasonLastname

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@Contwixt

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

@Mouthy_

My favorite exercise after a heavy meal is regret.

@Nocturnesthesia

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid