Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
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real
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.