Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
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[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.