Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
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captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Her: Choke me!
Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.