@usedwigs

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

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@newLettuce

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

@AaronFullerton

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

@BillCorbett

[Breaking News approaches. I squirt it with a spray bottle.]

NO. BAD.

@robfee

Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.

@abbycohenwl

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

@BGH70

On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

@rachelle_mandik

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

@kashanacauley

Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.

@PoodleSnarf

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

@pickupIines

are you my pinky toe because i’ll bang you on all my furniture