@CantWaitToNap

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

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@Cpin42

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

@Midgetspar

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

@dlockw21

Cashier: Going snorkeling huh?

Me: Yeah. Should be fun.

Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes.

Me: Hi, I’d like to return these.

@3sunzzz

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: I think our sex would be off the charts..

Me: You have sex charts?

@Storminika

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

@PinkCamoTO

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [on phone] what are you up to?

Me: We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.

Wife: aw I love that movie!

Me: what movie?

Matt Damon: did you tell her yet? [elephant noise in the background] what did she say?

@thejamietighe

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

@TheRealPalMal

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.