I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
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I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Cashier: Going snorkeling huh?
Me: Yeah. Should be fun.
Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes.
Me: Hi, I’d like to return these.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
M: So, I can’t help you.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts..
Me: You have sex charts?
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Wife: [on phone] what are you up to?
Me: We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.
Wife: aw I love that movie!
Me: what movie?
Matt Damon: did you tell her yet? [elephant noise in the background] what did she say?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
Me: It’s 2 PM.