Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
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Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*