@panmidwest

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

You Might Also Like

@katelizabee

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

@pleatedjeans

Interviewer: I don’t see a phone # for your reference
Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly

@dumbbeezie

Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend

@RunOldMan

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

@SatansTongue

There’s something I should tell you…
“Oh god what is it”
I have crabs
“NOOO”
*holds up two crabs*
“Oh I thought you meant-”
And HIV
“NOOO”

@FrigginFrench

Nurse: How would you rate your pain?
Me: Zero stars
Nurse: No, on a scale of 1-10?
Me: Do not recommend.

@DirtyySouthMess

I always thought I was attracted to men but this chick eating a Snickers on the elliptical has me questioning things.

@3sunzzz

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

@SnellWarren

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.