@panmidwest: Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends' pockets
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@Tommytoughstuff: IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion. PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER! IP: Okay, someone that's not my wife.
@ThaJawn: (bank drive thru) Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube Banker: This is a can of Pringles Me: Yes, savings please
@mattZillaaaa: Tomorrow is my company's office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
@Fred_Delicious: Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon