Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
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(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I made love to a beautiful hipster for nearly 10 minutes before realizing he was just a pile of scarves and coats in the Salvation Army bin.
Hey guys keep up the “Bush did 9/11” tweets I think the pressure is really grinding his gears
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”