Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

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Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese


(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.


Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*


What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?


I made love to a beautiful hipster for nearly 10 minutes before realizing he was just a pile of scarves and coats in the Salvation Army bin.


Hey guys keep up the “Bush did 9/11” tweets I think the pressure is really grinding his gears


Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.


Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it


There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”