Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
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He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I drew y’all a little something.