Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
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[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Are you ok, human???
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision