Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
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ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
*checks Timeline*…
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
crying
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.