ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY