@TheTweetOfGod

Keep your friends close and your asthma inhaler closer.

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@KeetPotato

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

@ScottLinnen

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

@BunAndLeggings

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

@DaddyJew

Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.

@MyLife2567

How can they make sugarless gum taste so good yet diet soda is still crap?

@stevevsninjas

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

@VisionBored1

Me: my kids are obsessed with juice lately

Friend: mine too we got a really nice juicer so they can have healthy organic juice when they want it

Me, sticking a straw in a Capri Sun: cool

@El_Emeno

I’ve been tweeting for 10 hours straight…and 3 hours gay.