my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Keep your friends close and your asthma inhaler closer.
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Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.
How can they make sugarless gum taste so good yet diet soda is still crap?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Me: my kids are obsessed with juice lately
Friend: mine too we got a really nice juicer so they can have healthy organic juice when they want it
Me, sticking a straw in a Capri Sun: cool
I’ve been tweeting for 10 hours straight…and 3 hours gay.