Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

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Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back


I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.


Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers


If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.


Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.


I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.


Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret


“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”


give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a woman to fish and men will ask her who holds the record for catching a 138lb 6oz bass in 1969 for a lifetime