No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
You Might Also Like
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.
Wife: Don’t forget your lunch! You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached
-later that day-
Horseman: I’m home! And guess what happened!
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Her: Who was your first love?
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan