@butterwolf

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

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@shariv67

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

@CruisinSoozan

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

@dethbycofee

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

@daddydoubts

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

@tiffistrying

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

@duplicitron

I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.

@ThaJawn

Wife: Don’t forget your lunch! You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached

-later that day-

Horseman: I’m home! And guess what happened!

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.