Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
You Might Also Like
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
This is so me 😂😂
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.