Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.

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My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.


(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*


My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.


My cats are building a guillotine in the basement. It doesn’t have to be for me, it could be for anyone *nervously fills their bowls with the good kind of cat food*


If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.


me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.


CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening


Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.


17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.


*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*