@Paxochka

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

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@Hobo_Splendido

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

@perfect_messs

Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.

Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.

@on_the_fritz_17

If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.

@harambevan

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

@TheDairylandDon

If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.

@ProfessorKumi

“Smoking breaks” at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don’t see me leave a meeting to fry plantain

@DanMentos

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

@Waynester1999

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

@KentWGraham

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

@stopbylater

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”