@slimmy_shady: Almost arrived at work when my kid asked "Where're we going?" Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

@carlyken: Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness? Clark Kent: kryptonite Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite? Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

@dog_feelings: the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

@EvilSchwartzie: The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you're pretty sure it's a girl squirrel.

@Miz_Mental_Case: I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.