@Paxochka
@JediGigi
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
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@JediGigi
@jellybnbonanza
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
@FinnMcIver
everyone’s always saying ‘the good ones die young’, ‘god only takes the best’. so I must be immortal
@Gupton68
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
@YourDailyGroan
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
@drinkprayfuck
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
@SvnSxty
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
@Funny_Truth
I need a 6 month vacation, twice a year
@Peauxtassium
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
@KeetPotato
Surely there’s a 3rd option. Can’t i just walk home? That can’t be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.