If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I lost 42 pounds!!!
Help me find her before her mother comes back!
“my eye is up here”
*knock at the door*
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.