Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

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Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.


Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.

Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.


If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.


My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?


If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.


“Smoking breaks” at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don’t see me leave a meeting to fry plantain


friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol


Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”


A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.


I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”