Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.