Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

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[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!


If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.


everyone’s always saying ‘the good ones die young’, ‘god only takes the best’. so I must be immortal


*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*


Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?



Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous


I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.


Surely there’s a 3rd option. Can’t i just walk home? That can’t be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.