@Paxochka

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

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@JediGigi

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

@jellybnbonanza

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

@FinnMcIver

everyone’s always saying ‘the good ones die young’, ‘god only takes the best’. so I must be immortal

@Gupton68

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

@drinkprayfuck

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

@SvnSxty

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

@Peauxtassium

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

@KeetPotato

Surely there’s a 3rd option. Can’t i just walk home? That can’t be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.