@LostFelicia

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

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@_squiggz

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

@ch000ch

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

@Darlainky

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

@EmmaUtters

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

@Jenny4ashley

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

@SortaBad

Manny Pacquiao says he would accept a rematch with Floyd Mayweather. “Yes, I will allow you to pay me another $100 million,” he told sources

@KeetPotato

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

@hogrider05

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?