Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
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Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.