Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

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can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this


if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw


“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.


Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me


If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?


Manny Pacquiao says he would accept a rematch with Floyd Mayweather. “Yes, I will allow you to pay me another $100 million,” he told sources


ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”


H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?