Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
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I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!