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Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
*pronounces woah like Noah*
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My what?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Nice try, poison.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
The glockness monster
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart